To Live&Die in LA

I’ve pretty much rejected typical California stereotypes until I took a step back and figuratively had a birds eye view of my surroundings. I mean, media obviously over exaggerates how people in Cali act, but when you really think about it, as opposed to other cultures and countries, Cali people are MEAN. I meet people who move from other states to California all the time and tell me how rude and pretentious people are over here and I guess I must have just been immune to it from living here all my life… God forbid I’m one of those rude people that they’re talking about. Our state is just one huge “click” with a bunch of little “sub-clicks” living amongst it. Don’t get me wrong, I love living in Los Angeles and I love how much it has taught me, but I had to go through near death experiences and psychological trauma to gain it. I’ve always told myself that taking the easy route is nowhere near as satisfying as persevering through the “road less travelled,” but at what cost? Still… Even though I’ve been surrounded by unmotivated, unintelligent, pessimistic liars and cheaters all my life, through them I was able to learn that honesty, love and hard work is so significant to be happy, and happiness is all I want, it’s all anyone wants really. Of course not all of us are so lucky, some settle being at the bottom and I don’t wish that on my worst enemy… And I don’t mean being at the bottom, I mean settling. I can’t exaggerate enough how important it is to NEVER settle. If you think you’re worth more, brush that off and tell yourself that damn right you’re worth more, worth better. Popularity, clicks… Media has it right, that shit doesn’t last. So stop worrying about the simple shit and better yourself the right way. Keep your loved ones close, be honest, be kind and do work. Ideally, I don’t want to spend the rest of my existence in California, but I won’t deny that it taught me life... And that’ll stick with me no matter where I go in the future.

Tell me forum, are you LAZISH?

Sleep late, wake up late. That what summer’s all about right? I sleep when the sun comes up and wake up far too late to even remember what getting up in the morning even feels like, let alone even remember the word morning. I didn’t really take into account the repercussions of floating off to the land of nod so late, but now I’m starting to recognize the potential negative affects. But oh well. If only I cared enough to change.
Digression…
So I’m starting to notice people actually beginning to legitimately build and form their foundations for their future, and I think to myself “Well shit… I still have not even the slightest clue of what I want to be in the future… And the future is more like tomorrow it seems now that I’m and ‘adult’.” I still feel like a kid, and I know damn sure that I still act like one. Parts of my personality may seem aged, like the fact that I like to go to coffee shops and read, and the fact that I find visiting museums appealing… But the rest of me is still right down there with that little girl feeling overwhelmed by the amount of candy available to her at a candy store, or that little boy wanting to cry and wishing to break the toy machine when the claw seems too weak to even grab a damn feather. I’m suffering from the widespread epidemic that has saturated the minds of most of the teenagers-going-on-to-adults in my generation: Lazishness. What is “Lazishness” you ask? It’s a combination of Laziness and Selfishness. Oh it’s a word… In my head. Caring little or as so many call it “DGAF”ing is great… But only in a number of cases. I need to start caring more. I need more motivation in my life and I need to stop asking God or other people for it and I need to find it myself. I know too well that my future isn’t going to be bright just because I say it will be, I need to perform and tortur— I mean… work to get even half of where I aspire to be. For those of you working, and grinding out every day, and truly taking every part of the trite expression “Carpe Diem” seriously, I tip my hat, no, I tip my fucking life to you. Because what you’re doing, is something I wish I could get myself to do immediately. But baby steps… Baby steps.
"Idle hands are the devil's workshop"

Anti-love?!

A lot of my peers think I have some kind of issue against love.
Let me make this clear. I think love... Is amazing. Brief love, long-term love, tough love, torturous love etc. All of it is mesmerizing to me. The fact that this one uncontrollable emotion can effect such a strong response in millions of individuals is mind-boggling.
Now the reason my peers think that I am "anti-love" is because I don't believe in relationships. Love and relationships, are two completely different things people. For those who are in a genuine, love-filled relationship, I raise my glass to you for being one of the few who are doing something right. And for rest of you who call your on and off, deceitful, meaningless togetherness a relationship, I can't understand you. Left and right, all the time my friends say "I don't even love my boyfriend/girlfriend why am I even with him/her?" and of course I give my solid, honest advice although I know once they go home every bit of my words of wisdom will fade into nonexistence.
I'll be ready for a relationship when the word commitment stops sounding like a chore. I'll be ready when someone shows me the clear distinction between the ever-so-famous dichotomous idea of like and love. When dates stop sounding garrulous and conversations stop seeming forced, I'll be ready. When I feel I need just that one person, and find his act of passing gas or burping as loud as the roar of a chainsaw adorable, I'll be ready. But until then forum...
I'm going to sit back and continue what I'm doing. I'm going to converse with intellectual men, dance with confident men, and coquettishly bat my eyes away at attractive men until someone stops me so hard in my tracks I won't even recall these short-lived encounters. You have to stop searching for this hollywood-based persona of everlasting bullshit love. Life will throw you something better and stronger than fantasy if you just stop constantly focusing on impressing everyone. Focus on what you love, not who you'll love, and you'll yell "what?!" when that who becomes your love.
That is all.
Love,
Sarah

P.S. I hope you all enjoy the new music player I got on my page. ;)
"Music, the greatest good that mortals know, and all of heaven we have below." - Joseph Addison

My Mom

I never had the greatest immune system. Back in middle school and high school, man… I got sick so often that the medicine cabinet in our house was practically dedicated to me. Despite how often I got attacked by a virus, my mom acted like I was sick with some debilitating disease every single time. She’d have soup ready for me at all times, she’d turn my bed into a pillow palace to ensure my comfortability, she’d pile mountains of blankets on top of me, all of that stuff. She did so much for me, but what made these moments so memorable for me, is what she’d say to me before I’d fall asleep for bed. I’d crawl into bed, lethargic from my cold, and I’d wait until my mom came to check up on me one last time, like she always did. She’d come into my room, panning the vicinity and picking up any clothes that I threw on the floor, then would finally come and sit by my bedside.  She’d look at me with these eyes, that looked so pained and discomforted by the mere fact that I had a little cold. Then she’d say this one phrase that would remind me just how lost, how broken I would be without my mom. She’d say “Anytime you’re in pain or feeling weak, I wish God would just finally answer my prayer and take all that pain from you and give it to me, so I can suffer in your place. I wish I could suffer for you every time.” Then she’d click off the lights, close my door, and walk out. There’s not one person in this entire realm of life that measures even close to what my mom means to me. She’s a cancer survivor, she works 365 days a year, she would do anything, and I mean anything, to keep me happy, and on top of all that she’s a mother. When they say there’s nothing in this world like a mother’s love, it’s the damn truth. I say this every Mother’s day, and I’m going to make it a tradition. “Mom, you are the closest thing to Hollywood’s depiction of a super hero that I know. I love you with all my heart.” Happy Mothers day to all! 

"God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference."
-Reinhold Niebuhr

A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is braver five minutes longer.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

One of those mornings...

I am running on about 1 or 2 hours sleep right now. Maybe less. I don't know what it is with me this morning, but man... I am not feeling too good. My mind is rummaging through stupid and paranoid thoughts once again. I wish there was some way for me to gain some kind of control... But now I'm beginning to think that I'll only achieve control over my thoughts when I feel I have a solid sense of direction in my life. As of now all my "ideas" of where I want to sustain my foundation in the future are open-ended. I'm definitely not one of those people who know exactly what they want to be and just go for it. I'm a weak person. I'm a scared person. I don't know what I want to do with my life, let alone know how to get there. Stress overwhelms me at times and sometimes leads me to bitter, unwelcoming mornings such as this one... But I digress.
Lately my dreams have been very strange... They make no sense. The one I had just now was so... Odd. I could talk to plush dolls that were rather large in size not that that piece of information is significant. Anyways, this may sound creepy to you, but for me, nothing about the dream seemed odd until one of the plush dolls asked me if I could see God. I answered something along the lines of well of course not. I mean I can't. I'm pretty sure nobody can. I wanted to finish with something like you really just have to believe, but I woke up.
I think that not being able to see God is a significant factor that contributes to his existence. It tests our faith so much more. We people are visual creatures. We feed off what is right in front of us. But believing in a force that can not be directly seen in a certain form really shows that we still know and hold onto faith.
I had a pretty stressful night before falling asleep last night. Watching all those scary movies before sleeping probably didn't help too much either. Well good or bad, I'm going to head out and embrace this day any way. Don't let a bad start to your day ruin the rest of it for you. Flash a smile to a stranger, get one back. Life is only good if we make the effort. It really is surprising how a little smile can change your day.
Good morning forum.
:)

Santa's come early this year

And so my story drags on...
I have become reunited with my friend that I have been yapping so much about...
And you know what? It feels spectacular. A few old friends that I've had some rocky relationships with are now close to me again as well. I am elated.
And on top of that, it's December!
Now I don't know about you forum, but something about this month really gets me hyped. I think of mittens, hot chocolate, laughter, togetherness, beanies, jackets, and snow... Not that it even in snows in California, but hey. Let's not trample all over my Christmas spirit. I'm guessing it's because I am preparing myself to celebrate a birthday? No, not a birthday... THE birthday! Jesus Christ's of course! I mean... We all get excited for birthday parties, so maybe it's because its Jesus's, people just become brighter during December? Oh I don't know who gives a hoot as long as we're happy? And yes, I did just say hoot... Aherm. I digress. Now I've been a hermit for a few months now thanks to hours of endless studying...HOWEVER, my finals are almost over and every time my face hits that fresh, cold air outside... I feel really... Happy. I feel like bringing that extrovert out of me.
Please tell me I am not alone when I say that December is just an amazing month.
Even through this cold weather, wherever I go I feel like a warm beacon of light is shining on me at all times. And whether it is conspicuous or not, it really doesn't make a difference. All the despairing emotions I leave to you November. Grief, remorse, negativity, you all are not invited to December. I would say go away forever, but we all know that is completely kooky and unrealistic, let alone the fact that I am talking to words right now, but once again! Take your dirty feet off my Christmas spirit.
Let's have a great month forum.