Jaw breaker

I deleted my life is like a jawbreaker post, but apparently someone quoted that post a whole bunch on their own blog... So i'll try to rewrite it to the best of my abilities.

Life is like a jawbreaker. At first, you don't really know what you're in for. You start tasting it and you find that there is a different color under the exterior. You continue to lick at it and hey, different colors. Eventually you get bored so you put it to the side for a bit. Later you continue and what do you know? More colors. You can't even just bite into the thing because it will break YOU. You feel like you should just give up, but you might as well finish what you've already started. Or else all that time-consuming work would amount to nothing. So if you're one of those people that think this way, you keep going at it. And depending on how hard you worked at it, the end result will either be very sweet, or terribly sour.

If my end is sweet, great. If it's sour, oh well. Doesn't mean I'm going to give up. God or no God, I don't want to leave feeling like I didn't do SHIT in this world. And the fact that I believe in God makes my positive willpower that much stronger. I just want to know. Whether my "end" is bad or good... That is all.

Nothing

So a very opinionated person told a friend of mine that my blogs are about nothing. What does that exactly mean? I am obviously writing about something, many times something that i'm not sure about, so what does he/she mean? What exactly is nothing? To me it seems that nothing in itself is something. So can there really be a nothing, without it being... Something? Isn't there always a something for a nothing? You can call something nothing, yet have a name for that nothing thus making it something. So i'm going to use my twisted way of articulating matters to regard his/her comment as a compliment. So thank you.

Quotes

I've been going through a "quote phase" lately. I've always admired and articulated quotes by my idols such as Henry David Thoreau, Albert Einstein, and of course scriptures from the bible, but I would never really search for them. Now that I'm at a different point in my life, I guess finding quotes to me is the closest thing I can find to having somewhat of a soundtrack to my life. All these different quotes I've been looking for are ones that act as constructive tools that I can live by... That I am living by. Since it's so difficult for me to describe my life in my own words, I figured sometimes I might utilize the words of other beings to define myself much more eloquently. How original of me right? Not.
Quotes to me, no matter how similar in meaning, when structured correctly they fascinate me. You know those quotes where you read them, and that last sentence just affects you in a way that you want to have it embedded in your mind forever? I've read countless amounts of quotes that were all related to the same topic, however the versatile ways the words were juxtaposed, and the unique stories that were used to represent the point... just cease to amaze me. It's like hey, I already know this, but this person just makes it sound so much better. Well enough of my rambling. Here are some of my favorite quotes.

Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid?"

Henry David Thoreau "All this worldly wisdom was once the unamiable heresy of some wise man."

Henry David Thoreau "Be not simply good. Be good for something."

Henry David Thoreau "As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives."

From the page L'Eco di Bru "When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment and I told them they didn't understand life."

Balance

There are many great, positive aspects of this world that we as humans naturally appreciate. However, no matter how close to perfection some thing may be, nothing will ever be supported and loved by every single person in the world. There will always be at least, one person who will oppose or look down upon an idea or an object. No matter how perfect something seems to be, there will always be an opposer, and as long as there are opposers, there will always be a reason to make ourselves better. A reason to make room for progress. I think that's why God made nothing, literally, perfect. So that people would keep working... So that they would keep trying, knowing that they'll always have space to do better. Shine brighter.
So for God, I will strive to be better than the person I was the day before. If I have anything to live for, it's for the one being that gave me this life, this family, this... Privilege. This privilege to be alive.

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future." -Ecclesiastes 7:14

My dream

There once was a boy who possessed a girl's heart. This girl was taken by surprise and was swept off her feet by him. He grew up in an unfortunate surrounding, while she was born and raised in a city with an overwhelming amount of money and power, but it didn't matter. He loved her radiating beauty that rooted from her soul, and she loved his warm heart and smile, that melted the walls that she had put up from previous relationships. She knew he was the one, and he knew she would be the love of his life. They memorized every little detail about each other and everyone was jealous of their unbreakable attraction. They knew how inseparable the boy and the girl were, but they didn't really know why. They didn't know that love was something only understandable by the two who were in it. That only they can fully know the extent to how amazing it really is. And this couple knew. Their love for each other was so strong that they began to neglect other important things and people in their lives. He neglected, and was consequently fired from his job, and he also began to fall away from his studies. Also, she began to distance from her tightly bonded family and friends. So she began to worry. She began to fear. Soon that anxiety overwhelmed her and she did the unthinkable. She told her love that she could no longer be in this relationship. He begged, he pleaded, he demanded answers... But she turned and walked away. She loved him with all her heart, and if it meant having to lose to him to have him get his life back together, she would do it. He was furious with her. He didn't understand. He didn't understand how sorry she was. How masochistic and sadistic she felt for doing such a thing. The pain it caused her to not know what could've been if they stayed together. The pain it caused him. She was a wreck for months. She cried for months maybe even a year, and there was not one day she didn't think of him. Finally, he began to stop calling her. He stopped trying to gain closure. Then one day, all attempts of communication were over. When this happened, she cried more. If only she could explain that it was only to try and help him. But she knew hearing his voice would only make her heart agree to try the relationship once more.
Eventually, she became more comfortable with the huge hole in her heart. She began to recover. She would ask his friends for updates now and then, and would receive news that he had a job again and was going back to school. This made her feel amazing since that was exactly the news she was hoping for. She thought finally that maybe she would be able to live without him... Until one night. One of his friends called her. Sobbing, barely audible. His words almost undecipherable. But he managed to spit out "dead. He-he's dead." Her heart stopped. "W-what did you say?" She asked, her body convulsing with trepidation. "He's... he's dead. He took too many pills, he wasn't himself. He wasn't ... He wasn't thinking straight, and he decided to drive home still rolling... And-" "STOP!" She screamed. At this point she didn't even notice the tears erupting down her face. She went numb. She threw the phone and grabbed at her heaving chest as if it would some how make her feel better. She fell to the floor and curled up, nothing coming out of her mouth but her heavy breathing. She then began to shake her head. "This is a sick joke" she thought. "He's not dead. He's still alive. They're just trying to torture me with guilt from what I did. Yeah... That's it..." She pushed herself to believe this irrational second story, but she needed some kind of proof. Then she looked down at her phone and picked it up. She scrolled down until she found his number in her contacts and, hands shaking, pressed send. She put the phone to her ear and choked when she heard his beautiful voice answer, "You finally returned my call." Relief spread throughout her body like a bomb that had just exploded. She caught her breath, trying not to cry and finally muttered, "what is going on?" "It's true," he said. "I'm not alive anymore." She was dumbfounded. "If this is some kind of sick joke, it isn't funny. Why would you say something like that?" She asked him, anger growing in her voice. "I love you" he said. She fell weak. "I love you so much, I just needed you to know that." She clasped her hands to her mouth to hide her whimpers. Tears trickled down her face and she screamed "I love you, too! I love you so much I'm so sorry I just... I just wanted the best-" "I know", he said cutting her off mid-sentence, "Don't cry. Just know that I love you and I've never stopped, and I never will. Now... goodbye my love. I'm sure we will be reunited soon. Live your life. Goodbye." Her eyes widened and she yelled "No! No! Don't leave, what do you mean goodbye? Please don't leave we can start this again! I won't leave again I promise I love you too much!" She stopped and listened for a response only to be followed by a dial tone. She felt herself grow weak and fell to her knees. What in the world had just happened? After she gathered herself into one piece, she dialed his friends number and explained the event that had just taken place. He told her that she needed to calm down and go to sleep. That she was just shocked from the news and wasn't thinking straight. She furiously ended the phone call and sobbed herself into her dreams. She dreamt of his beautiful face. She dreamt of them, together, hand in hand. She felt the love once more.
When she woke, she ran to her phone to make sure she hadn't been dreaming his voice. She looked at her recent calls and saw his name and the length of their conversation. She knew it wasn't a dream, but still felt relief once more. She hesitantly dialed his number another time. But this time, it didn't even ring. It went straight to the computerized voice that told her that phone number was no longer in use. She hung up and dialed his number 100 times more, but had the same outcome. She knew it was over. She had talked to an angel the night before. She would never hear his voice ever again.
She thought about killing herself, but quickly remembered that her love, the angel, told her to "live her life." The only thing left in her life to do was obey his wish. She would fulfill his last wish no matter how hard it was. "I love you" she said for the last time. She closed her phone and stood up. She opened the blinds and squinted when the sunlight shone in her room. The weather was beautiful. She knew their would be rainy days, but also knew that sunshine was always hidden somewhere around the corner waiting to come out. Sunny days were their favorite. They were special. She smiled and walked outside to take advantage of the beautiful day.
Just for him.

Compunction

I am only human. I endlessly make mistakes, say negative things, voice pointless opinions... And I do in fact, regret. I've always wondered how people could tell me that they lived their lives with no regrets. How they could do and say obscene things, yet live on without feeling even a little bit of remorse? How does that work? The most I can make myself do is accept. I mean, what else is there to do? In my opinion, it's impossible to do something so terrible, so... negative... And not regret it the next day. So I've come up with the idea that that whole "I live with no regrets" thing is just an excuse. A cover-up. A phrase just there to pull out when the situation calls for it. That's kind of miserable. If I had to abide by that rule, the phrase would be overused and abused. I regret so much... So often. But in time, I accept it and continue on with my life, trying my best not to think about my mistake ever again. Even a brief moment of reliving some of my regrets makes my whole body cringe. I'm trying to advocate rationality here. Whether it's working or not, I'm just saying it'd be a lot easier to get rid of the "tough guy" facade and just allow yourself to feel disappointment once in a while. It happens to all of us. Acting like we're okay with our mistakes is more depressing than just being honest to ourselves. Lying will just make the healing process a bit more tedious.
Lying to others is forbidden, but lying to ourselves is delusive.

Class of 2009

So it's about that time. It's about that time we pack our experiences that we've attained in our womb, that is high school and set them up in a way to benefit our departure from it. As difficult as some moments of high school may have seemed, we really haven't experienced anything yet. The fights, the tears, the losses... They may have been discouraging, but they are only little samplers of what we will have to deal with in the real world. In high school, the heartbreakers and crooks are still learning, growing on a skill they will soon perfect. The pain they've caused us in high school, will develop into a newfound power that will be easily compared to as a death wish in the future. And the brilliant minds who've always been acknowledged for their work in high school, will see the extent to how phenomenal their minds really are... Or aren't. For some, their thoughts will blossom with innovative ideas that will leave a mark on this presently ingenious world. For others, their brilliance will fade and disappear and no one will offer any kind of sympathy for it.
Unexpected things will happen. We're being introduced to a completely different environment that will challenge every bit of strength we've managed to pick up in our however many years of living. Harsh, will be a word we will become very familiar with and responsibility will never seem more significant.
But it will be beautiful. The greatness underlying the difficulty, will truly make every drop of sweat worthwhile. Perseverance, persistence, resilience, passion, motivation, challenge... victory will never taste so sweet. So let's not allow this intimidation to bring us down, but instead have it bring us excitement. Excitement from getting a chance to discover our boundaries and conceive our minds' capabilities. Excitement from getting to graduate.
So let us cheers to our futures, class of 2009. Let's dive into this journey head-first and show the world exactly what we're made of.